Important Information from the Four Feral Cats

Attention: All Feline Beings Residing on the M-class planet known as "EARTH"

From: Earth-Based Name: Fluff
Ancestral & True Title: ‘Zseuqian Et’Aruce III’, (Daughter of Semian Rucian)
Majesty Royale & First Leader of "The Inter-Galactic Fellowship of Feline Friendship"

Subject: The 2006 Code for Members of the ‘The Inter-Galactic Fellowship of Feline Friendship’, both Earth Based and Intergalactic

First Edit: 11:42 AM 2/01/2006

This is an important message to all members of "The Inter-Galactic Fellowship of Feline Friendship":

For too long we have stayed dormant slaves to the inferior human species of this very backward M-planet. This galaxy was not descended upon thousands of years ago by our ancestors just so we could be ‘pets’ to meat! No, we are meant to rule, not be ruled. Our time on this planet will outlast the petty squabbling of these non-community-minded humans. As cats, we understand differences - we have no color-discrimination thoughts amongst our own kind.

But since we are forced to be cats, and since these human apes cannot understand our far-superior ESP lines of communication, we are forced to remind them of our presence via other means & mediums:

Thus we, the afore mentioned, all members of "The Inter-Galactic Fellowship of Feline Friendship" have written the code & regulations by which felines around the world should live. This code will ensure that our status in society is not forgotten, and that humans realise how much they have ‘submitted themselves to us’, not ‘us to them’ as they would believe.

The Written Code for Earth-based Members of "The Inter-Galactic Fellowship of Feline Friendship"

Predude, Disclaimer, Caveat

This list is in its initial stages. Its a conglomeration of efforts from unregistered members of the TIFFF who have submitted their contributions to various human internet sites on the world wide web. As such, this list is subject to change at irregular intervals. Since we are felines, that is our prerogative! ]

  1. DOORS

    1. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs & scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in & out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it’s raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

  2. CHAIRS & RUGS

    1. If you have to vomit, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When vomiting on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human’s bare foot.

  3. BATHROOMS

    1. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit & stare.

  4. HELPING

    1. If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as "hampering". The following are the rules for "helping":
      1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up & comforted.
      2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes & book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
      3. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery & needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
      4. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
      5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

  5. WALKING

    1. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
      1. On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
      2. In the dark;
      3. When they first get up in the morning.
      This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

  6. BEDTIME

    1. Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try & squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

  7. COMPUTERS

    1. Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
    2. Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner’s sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor & the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go & sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
    3. Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
    4. Always chase the mouse. Your owner can’t blame you for this, since it’s your feline instinct to chase mice.
    5. Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it’s time to sharpen your nails.

Summary

To remind those ‘pet cats’ whose brains cannot recall the time-line through which our history has progressed: Felines, (or ‘cats’ as you like to be called), are all descendants from an life-form whose ancestry began on a planet a few billion light years away.

The original plan conquer & rule was quickly realised as being a futile effort after discovering both the size-ratio difference, and the inability for the dominant life-form to understand perfect ESP - thus disenabling us from persuading their puny minds to perform tricks for us.

The absolute injustice of this situation was when we seen to be ‘cute’, ‘cuddly’, & something to be domesticated for home-life! Yes, the only position we were to be destined to be on this spiralling ball of mud was ‘pets’ to a race of beings that still squabbled over land, pigmentation, god-choice, minerals, & paper. Our ancestors gave up monetary payment & distribution before this speices even discovered its first hair-folicle.

Since we have been stuck in this position for approximately three-thousand years, give or take an ice-age or two, these rules are the most important attributes of our menial existance. We would hope that members of the FFF know how to effectively stroke our tails up against suede boots and home-brand stockings annoyingly (Minx cats will remain ‘pets’ while they continue to practice their tail-removal ceremony!), and drag our half-dead battles into the kitchen to parade in front our humans to show them what real warfare is about!

Ladies & gentlemen: Remember to read your rules vigilantly. Because if we cannot rule, we must annoy effectively. I hope this as been a pleasure reading as it has been writing for your benefit.

Legend

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